Wednesday, September 27, 2023

Moody Contemplations

I am not sure what exactly it is that I am trying to write about tonight.  I have a lot of feelings and ideas about the world and what I am personally experiencing in life and in love.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to talk about those things openly.  I'm not sure I actually know how to interpret certain situations and events because I have so many different struggles.  One thing that I feel like can be difficult for me with my C(DS)PTSD diagnosis is that reality sometimes gets a little bit blurry.  What is real vs. what I projection.  I do a pretty good job at keeping these things separate but it is something that I have to work actively on keeping straight and improving.  

I thought that I might do some kind of a free write but isn't that kind of always what I'm doing when considering different things and viewpoints?  One could argue that it absolutely is.  I don't think that's wrong.


Hand in hand
We stood once.
Side by side
We were happy.

Now there is distance there.
Pushing away, while pulling

Open and honest
The dialogue ran.
Now it's
strained and sad.


My world feels slightly distorted.  I feel like everyone is lying to me and being at least slightly dishonest.  I'm not sure why I feel like that, nothing has actually happened for me to feel like that.  Maybe it's just the lack of open and honest dialogue.  I wish people would just speak their mind instead of holding back thinking that tact is important.  Say the words that you want to say.  The people that are meant for you will still be there after.  

--AJR

Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Contemplations on "The Angel and the Serpent"

Revisiting old bits of writing and journaling entries from my past life has been something that I've been doing a lot of recently.  I'm not sure why, if it's to regain some of the passion for writing and creating that I had in my younger years, or if it's a way for me to try to connect with myself and my interests.  Who I was before the world changed me in so many ways.  Ideas that I had, both good and bad, some quite naive in nature, as one would expect.  

I used to have a friend that I was very close with.  We have since had a falling out and we are no longer on speaking terms (to put it simply).  I came upon a short story that I had written in 2014 and felt compelled to finish it.  It was interesting to me because I didn't remember writing it at all.  There were other stories and poems written about the same time that I remembered, but not this one.  

When I found it, I was prompted to remember a trip that we had taken.  In our early 20s, we did quite a bit of what I refer to as "haphazard traveling".  We wanted to travel and have adventures but were not really in a financial position to be able to take larger trips.  I was a young mother, and I had chosen to have my children at a relatively early age (20), so my early 20s experience was somewhat atypical.  This limited options as well, and strained finances.  So, what we would typically do is decide a particular direction to drive within an allotted time frame.  We would look at road signs and defend things and then stop when the mood should strike us, or we saw something interesting that we wanted to check out further. This made for a lot of very memorable experiences in places that probably hadn't seen life in years.  

It was on one of these trips that we actually came across a peculiar sign for a landmark called "Snake Alley" in Burlington, Iowa.  Neither of us had been and we thought, might as well check it out.  So, we went there, and I remember thinking it was aesthetically pleasing.  The cobblestone and the wear were quaint and told the story of something very old and historic, while the updated grounds and landscaping showed signs of trying to modernize.  We drove down the street.  That was it, nothing more or less.  Nothing to extravagant but for some reason the location has always stayed with me.  It felt like a place that could have been more than just an old street with some pretty flowers.  

I remember that street served as the inspiration for this story, but for whatever reason, I could not remember this particular story.  As I read, memories came back to me such as where certain inspirations came from or what bit of research that I did to build out the various layers.  Reading it was quite the experience, because I felt like I was the reader, rediscovering parts of myself through the words on the page.  It was a cathectic experience and I think that I'll continue to revisit my old notes in the coming months and maybe take a crack at getting some of the words translated into text so that I can share it.  

So, here it is for your enjoyment.  Originally written July 23, 2014; inspired from the trip that had been taken in early spring of that year. 



The Angel and the Serpent


It was perfect, simply put.  The street, I mean.  It sat on a steep slope with over seven tight curves moving back and forth, as if slithering like a basilisk hunting for pretty.  Serpent street is what they call it.  A small-town landmark, tourist attraction, whatever you call it.  But I digress, let me introduce myself.  I am the one they call the landmark desiccator.  Though that is not really my purpose.  They are just fools who simply do not appreciate fine art.  I’ve created several works already, but this, I’m sure is to be a masterpiece.  A crowing jewel in my portfolio, if you will. 

I reached the street of the serpent well after the witching hour, as I had every night for almost a week.  It was early January and the weather had been well below freezing for several weeks.  I turned my lights off and pulled over near the crest of the serpent; my vehicle would remain there until the deed was done.  For a moment I sat to admire it. The way the moonlight struck it was phenomenal.  The adrenaline coursed through my body, and I felt bold and powerful as I drew closer to my purpose.

The street was closed to the public due to the icy conditions, which was a very good thing.  I didn’t need any “public” coming along and destroying my creation.  I pulled a bucket of water from the back of my SUV and silently poured the liquid onto the street followed by several more.  I listened as the liquid splashed against the curbs as it had every night for the past few weeks.  I smiled at the sound of the crackling and freezing; creating the perfect canvas from which the serpent would feed.  I smiled to myself as I checked the street.  I had shoved the snow back carefully weeks ago revealing the serpent and of course, pleasing the caretaker as he was thankful for the extra help.  Poor fool, if only he knew my true purpose. 

As I slipped back into my black SUV, I smiled to myself.  Tomorrow, all my work would finally bear fruit and my masterpiece would be revealed. 

Please understand something about art before you continue.  Art is an expression of creativity that is designed to inspire an audience and give them a special message they can think about.  That message can be anything that the artist wishes to convey, but also requires a bit of interpretation from the audience for it to really be effective.  Sometimes, this message can be simple or lighthearted like joy, hope or love.  Other times it could be a mix of emotions.  Sometimes it can convey some deeper inner workings of society itself.  What is my message you ask?  You will have to look upon my masterpiece and therein- find it.  Art can take on so many different forms.  Many people fail to realize this.  So many difficult forms and styles.  Though my canvas is not a traditional one, you can hardly consider it invalid.  Like graffiti, it still has immense value. 

 

The stage was set so that I could finally begin my task.  I walked six blocks from Serpent Street to her apartment.  She had been carefully selected for the project for several reasons.  I will list them here: 1) because of the proximity of her home to the serpent (I can be quite practical when the saturation calls for it) and 2) because of her astounding natural beauty.  She looked like, simply put, an angel should look.  Her hair was long and just the right shade of natural blonde- accented by her striking blue eyes and her pale white skin.  Her lips were luscious and white, pale in comparison to the rest of her complexion.  Her appearance was like a symphony of hymns playing all at once, quite simply, for this project, she was perfection.

I walked up the stairs and knocked softly on the door.  She answered it promptly and smiled warmly when she saw me.  She was glowing with material desire.  She invited me in, “Have you eaten?” She prompted, “Are you warm, where did you sleep?”  She continued.  The way that she moved and doted over me made my heart rise into my throat.  It took a moment for me to regain my composure enough to respond.  “I ate at the mission,” I told her.  “I slept there last night,” playing the part of the destitute that was required for my purpose. 

As she moved around the room, I felt a sense of urgency.  “What is the matter?” I asked her as this behavior was not her normal pattern.  My eyes conveyed the sense of longing and admiration that my heart could never feel.  “Aren’t you perceptive,” she told me with a gentle smile.  “I don’t mean to rush you out, but I was called to work tonight.  The late shift,” she turned and handed me a cup of ramen noodles and a can of soda.  “What time did they ask you for?” I asked, slightly annoyed as this was not part of my plans, and I was feeling a ping of urgency for myself.  Tonight, was THE night.  It had to be; everything was in place.  Everything had aligned for MY purpose. 

“Well, they had a couple people call out, so they need me for the overnight.  I think from whenever I get there until about 10am is what they said, it’s an overnight shift,” she continued to talk and explain her ordeal, but I did not care.  That time frame was not in line with my purpose.  I reached my hand into my tattered jacket pocket and put my hand around the syringe.  I smile and nod as she says something about staying there and helping myself to her food.  She really was an angel after all.  I step towards her and put my hand on her shoulder.  She stops and locks eyes with me.  I reach up with my other hand and plunge the needle into her arm and quickly inject the sedative.  She looks shocked and begins to back away and say something. I stay close, as I know she will be feeling the effects soon, and she cannot become physically injured.  It would not suit my purpose.  I see her begin to slump and I step in to catch her as she falls.  In her last moments of consciousness, I put my mouth near her ear, and I whisper, “You know, Kelly, that just won’t do.  I have much bigger plans for your future.”  With that, I felt her body go limp in my arms and watched as she closed her angelic blue eyes. 

This is the point at which I considered that logistics may become a problem for the following reasons: 1) I am not strong enough to carry the remaining distance between the apartment and the serpent.  Even if I were to get the car, getting her out of the apartment unblemished may prove difficult, 2) the sedative I gave her could wear off before the hour of the witches and a second dose could be fatal if not done expertly, and I am not a medical expert. 

It was not my intention for the angel not to participate in the glory that she was about to become.  I sat down at the counter to enjoy the very prestigious meal that she provided me with.  First thing was first, I would need to inform her coworkers that she would not be able to make it in.  They may try to check on her if she doesn’t show up, especially when they are in dire need of staffing.  Pft- as if my angel could every just be “the staff”.  I picked up her cell phone from the coffee table and I sent a general text message to her supervisor and 2 close coworkers that may potentially come by.  I went around the apartment and turned off all the lights.  The angel never drove, only flew.  Unless she was exceptionally desperate, then she took the city bus.

I looked down at her as she slept.  So peaceful and serene.  Yes, she would be the perfect gift for the serpent and an even better immortal example of my artwork.  My masterpiece.  My angel.  I think I’ll call it “The Angel and The Serpent”.  I approached her body and crouched down beside it.  She smelled the way that I imagine that angels would smell.  I pulled my necklace from under my shirt and pull hard, breaking the chain, producing a small vial charm.  I bet you’re wondering what I put in my very special vials.  That is all a part of a very sacred ritual that I utilize in the creation of my projects. 

At any rate, I know as soon as the components were listed and analyzed, it would be leaked to the press and the general public.  I am not naive as many would like to believe.  I understand that what I do is, illegal and some say immoral.  Frowned upon by societal norms and regulations.  However, this is the price that I pay to create the fine works of art that I share upon the world.  I cultivate deep and meaningful messages that invoke and hopefully inspire others.  There are more like me, we just have not met yet.

I sprinkle the contents of the vial over the angel from head to toe. Eventually, I will complete the piece but now it was far too early.  I approach the window in the living room and can glimpse the serpent from here in the morning sun.  I can feel it stirring with anticipation, and need for what it is about to receive.  It will have her in due time. 

“Kelly,” I say out loud, “Do you by chance know where I can find a wheelchair?”  As soon as the words leave my lips, I begin to laugh to myself.  Of course, she did, she was a nurse.  Lucky for me, I’ve been watching her long enough to know that she kept a spare in the hallway closet in case of a health emergency.  This qualified.

All the conditions were perfect, and everything was all right.  Nothing could get in the way of the sacrificial serpent’s wishes.  As the time draws near, I hear the serpent calling out orders.  He knows that we are coming, and he is ready for company.

I could hear the serpent calling us by name.  Beckoning us to come hither with the sacrifice. 
They all did, screaming in their ancestral tongues for corpus, cruor and damnatio!  Every hour that passed their voices grew louder and louder until the moment that the masterpiece became real.  I’ve never known the answer as to why.  I’ve looked for answers throughout my travels, spending hours in library corridors throughout the nation, reading about landmarks and researching the history of the land.  Taking countless notes and making connections.  It was only upon discovering the book that I learned the truth about them and understood their needs and realized, I am one of their chosen.

But I digress, the time slips from my reality there is a nagging in my mind, and I am aware, that there is much to prepare for, and style is key.  I walk over to the angel and realize that she must be prepared for peace.  I go to the couch and retrieves the garments from my bag.  I made it myself and I was quite proud of the attention to detail that I had put into the costume.  I laid it out on the couch to admire.  To any onlooker it was simple, a long white cotton dress.  Upon closer inspection there was a neat and careful design embroidered in white with lace overly and a pearly white ribbon upon each cuff.  It was simply put, perfection.  As it should be.

The angel lay still on the floor, and I inspected the time.  Due to the early hour of sedation, she would be stirring soon.  Another dose of sedative would be in order and hopefully she would wake in time to be part of something ancient and artistic.  If not, it was not ruined.  It would just be disappointing if she missed out on her true purpose in life.

I approached the angel and carefully undressed her, folding her scrubs carefully and placing them into a stack on the table.  While the nude form is beautiful and raw, it is real and unhindered by the common place enhancers that are used by women to appear more attractive.  Make up, concealer, jewelry, corsets; all of these are stripped away, and the nude form reveals the most vulnerable version of oneself.  For this reason, many artists have used it over the centuries. That vulnerability and humanness that encompasses it.  Which is exactly why I am choosing not to.  Sure, I’ve dabbled in it in the past, however, this piece will represent not humanity but divinity, incomprehensible by human understanding.  I carefully dressed her in the costume that I prepared.  As I did so, I could feel her stirring beneath me as I struggled to move and shift her weight from side to side.  It was time for another dose, and it made me very nervous to give the second.  The last time the subject did not wake up properly.  I could not have that with this piece.  Starting over was not an option.

As I pulled a second syringe from my bag, I thought I should re-adjust and lessen the dosage.  That sounded reasonable.  I only wanted her to sleep for a few hours longer anyway.  I recalculated the dosage in my head and turned to administer it.  I could see that her eyes were open at this point, her pale blue eyes.  They once cared for me and showed me such kindness and motherly affection.  They were now expressionless and vulnerable.  I heard the serpent begin shouting his commands, and I quickly plunged the syringe into her arm.  We locked eyes, I hoped she didn’t speak.  Allowing me to remember her as the beautiful and benevolent angel she had always been.  She didn’t try to speak and softly she fell back to sleep.  She didn’t look afraid, like many others had been.  I hoped the reduced dosage would be effective.

I had gotten the dosage wrong many times in the past.  It proved lethal for my Princess of New Orleans.  I sighed at the thought.  If only she’d known how truly spectacular, she had become.  She no longer was stuck in the same routine with no hope for the future.  No longer was she sleeping on the streets in the French Quarter while vermin and insects climbed on her body, ransacking her and giving her cuts, bruises, and disease.  She and I were kindred spirits, really.  I enjoyed her perspective very much.  Despite all her negative situations, she saw hope and beauty in life where I could only see tragedy and despair.  I thought that we could be the best of friends, until the queen of the city claimed her.  She came to me in my dreams at first, just whispering her demands.  Putting her ideas of the expectations for my future into my head.  Then I would hear her while I was awake.  After a while, her voice changed.  She no longer sounded like the Queen of the City.  The sound is not easily describable.  This is about the time that I started my research at the local library on Charels Street.  This would be when I came to realize my destiny.

The Princess became upset with me.  She wanted to provide me with comfort, get me some help, saying that I needed to be saved.  She tried to save me, but I knew that it was futile for me to run from what I was.  I already knew that my destiny had been written in the stars.  I knew what needed to be done and what I had to do.  She transcended the bounds of humanity.  The Princess of New Orleans became immortal. 

It pained my heart that I had lost her and at the same time, I was filled with joy because she had become something more splendid that even she could have ever dreamed was possible.  I signed and looked down at the angel.  Once again, her eyes were closed, and she was peaceful.

The serpent’s cries became louder, “Corpus, Cruor, Damnatio!” He demanded.  And so, he shall have it.

I walked over to the closet and removed the wheelchair.  It was a descent chair with Velcro straps used for strapping people with disabilities.  The Angel had told me this before when an elderly person had fallen, and she had used it to help get them to their apartment while she completed her good Samaritan duty.  That was her way, she worked tirelessly and often double shift for days in a row.  Even when she returned home to her meager apartment she could barely afford on her income, she would still find time to help those around her.

I struggled to get her into the chair.  I have no idea how much she weighed but it was more than I could handle.  But to be fair, a 50lb lift is difficult for me.  Note to self- get bigger muscles.  When I finished, I strapped her in tightly.  I couldn’t have the angel falling out of the chair.  I would blemish the masterpiece.  I tucked a blanket in tightly around her to keep her warm while we ventured out into the cold. 

As I wheeled the chair down the dimly lit corridor, the serpent’s beckoning became increasingly loud.  It was much louder than it had been before.  I put my hands over my ears to drown out the sound to no avail.  “Shut up,” I hissed, “We are coming.”  Corpus, cruor, damnatio!” He demanded.  I swallowed hard and resumed pushing the chair.  I had to be quick.  The witching hour was drawing near.  “Corpus, Cruor, Damnitto,” he demanded again and corpus, cruor, damnatio is what he shall have. 

The Angel and I managed to make it out of the building without any issues, except maybe my throbbing headache.  But it cannot be helped, no artist is without their Achillies heel.  We walked six blocks from her apartment to the serpent.  Much of it was very difficult as it was uphill most of the way.  I managed to get there despite the icy conditions while the serpent continued to call to us.  I reached the crest of the serpent, and I knew it was time to begin my work. 

I looked down at the serpent and saw the white ice glistening to us, looking perfect as per usual.  A light dusting of snow had begun to fall and made the scene surreal.  The lighting in the crest of the full moon was everything that I hoped that it would be.  It was majestic, like we stepped out of the present and into truly ancient times.  When my masters ruled, no one questioned their authority.  Nothing was sacred, yet everything was holy.

I undid the Velcro straps on the wheelchair and carefully positioned the Angel at the top of the hill with her upper body on the slope and her lower half upon the crest atop the serpent.  At this moment, the serpent became still and silent.  I folded up the chair and placed it into the back of my SUV along with the blanket, it was not a part of this masterpiece and could be quickly discarded. 

 

With this, I turned my attention to the Angel.  I straightened out her dress and crossed her legs- right over left.  I positioned her arms out to her sides and then paid attention to her hair.  I wanted it to show the illusion of flowing.  I pulled out my bag, no great artist should ever be without the tools of my trade.  I took out my pallet and carefully chose colors from my tubes of oil paints.  I had found that oil paints worked perfectly for my canvas of choice.  I carefully painted the designs and letters for my masters onto her arms and legs in very small print; they needed to be present, but the Angel needed to be the focus of this painting. 

I pulled out the last of the pieces that I would need- a carefully sculpted wire for her halo and the stable gun I had crafted with one attachment site.  I laid down on the ground so as not to slip on my icy canvas and carful prompted up her head.  I cringed as I used the staple gun to secure the halo in its appropriate place.  She didn’t immediately wake but she did begin to stir.  I moved quickly and put my supplies away and got into place.  If everything went according to plan, I would need to move quickly.

Five seconds.

Four seconds.

Three seconds.

Cruor

Two Seconds

Cruor

One second

Nothing happened.  I took the staple gun back out of the bag and positioned myself near her feet.  I pulled the trigger on the staple gun quickly into the soft spot in the center of her left foot, and that is when she started screaming.  I positioned my body on top of Her’s as quickly as possible and used my hand to cover her mouth.  I gave her a small smile.  I could tell she was scared and confused.

“Kelly, it’s going to be fine.  You are going to be immortal.”  Kelly slowed her struggle for a moment, trying to process what I had said, I’m sure.  I reached into my boot and pulled out the knife given to me years ago by my Queen.  Kelly’s eyes grew wide, showing the most magnificent shade of blue.  If only they would stay just like that. 

Cruor!” The serpent demanded.  I moved my hand away from her mouth and she resumed screaming.  At this time, I plunged the knife into her trachea and twisted.  She struggled to breathe at this time, and I carefully severed her carotid artery.  For only a few moments, she struggled and then I felt her life leave her body underneath me.  I stood up and took a deep breath and wiped the blade off my dark colored handkerchief.  I watched her blood flow from her down the serpent.  I moved to her and put the finishing touches on her body for aesthetics.  Positioning correct, hair perfect.  Everything in its place.  As it should be.

Vindica,” the serpent whispered to me before going silent.  Finally sated. 

 

I took a step back and looked down at my canvas.  Blue, red, and white.  The Angel and The Serpent was complete.  My message was clear.  The serpent was pleased and could finally rest again.  I appreciate that she had been there to start her immortal journey with the ancients.  I appreciated that in death, her eyes did, in fact, remain open revealing the beautiful blue.  I smiled at my work.  It really was my best yet.  My pride, my purpose, my destiny. 

I gathered up the last of my supplies and placed them into the back of my SUV.  I opened the back hatch and placed all my items inside.  With this I left town and drove to the nearest rest stop.  I was very tired and needed to rest.  I climbed into the back seat and fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.  Until next time. 


 

 


Contemplations of "Super" Duper "Independence"

Today (Sep 21, 2023- posting late because I just had this random tab on my computer open for the last few days and actually just noticed....) I was told that I am "super independent" and as a result the biggest concern that my employer has for me is that I may isolate and "become an island".  Which is honestly the most realist feedback that I feel like I've received based on my actual behavior patterns to date.  

One of the biggest struggles that I've had with my mental health symptoms is what I call "tunnel vision" where I can only see and focus on a straight-line, blurring out my periphery.  Is this what independence looks like?  Being so hyper focused on one thing that you just can't see anything else and everything else become distortion.  Maybe.  

--AJR  

Wednesday, September 20, 2023

Thoughts on Responsibility

Today my brain activated a very special mode called, "I don't give a fuck anymore."  All the things that I was worried about before, all the things I was overthinking about, I'm done worrying about them or caring about them.  I'm not sure if it is a simple dissociative thing but it is a mindset that seems to plague me now and then.  Lately it seems to have been a lot more of an occurrence.

I think my biggest struggle is that it's not a period that I do typical depressive behaviors.  Instead, I become manic and make my decisions a little more recklessly.  I call this "Passively Suicidal", because I really do want to die.  I have thoughts of death and dying and ending my life.  But I'm not actively making a plan or taking any action towards that plan, however, I'm taking less actions than normally reasonable to prevent it from occurring.

Normally, my brain is plagued by paranoia and self-doubt and deprecation, however, in this stage this is almost completely absent.  I feel almost a euphoria in having freed myself from the constraints of societal norms and expectations.

I know this is something that I talk a lot about.  Feeling overwhelmingly trapped by the expectations of others.  Society as a whole.  I'm not sure that freedom is the absence of these things, but having lived my entire life with some type of responsibility or burden that makes it impossible for me to truly have freedoms that most people experience in adolescence or even early adulthood.  Just once, I want to see what that world is like.  What is it like not to have other external forces relying on you for something?  I would like to have a period of time where I do not experience these things. 

This is a short reflection today, I'm not feeling like I have much to write about, although I have so many ideas floating around in my head.  Like is this normalcy.  Is this something that I need to consider regularly and account for.  I'm not sure.

Until next time.

--AJR

 

Tuesday, September 19, 2023

Contemplations on How to Cope with Overthinking

One of the biggest struggles that I have is this constant line of mental questioning.  Every time I think I have something figured out or I'm feeling good about it- there is this train of "what if" thoughts that follows.  I get a promotion, what if they only promoted you for political reasons.  What if the thing you thought you actually worked hard to achieve was just a handout based on seniority and not at all based on the merits or actual accomplishments that you have made in your career?  Just one of many examples.

The last two days have been this for me- a constant line of questioning everything that I think and everything that I think that I know.  It's made for a pretty exhausting roller coaster if I'm being honest.  Questions about how I think I'm doing as a parent, as a career woman, as a partner.  Am I a partner?  Is this just a glorified friends with benefits situation?  What if all of the feelings that they've talked about were lies.  What if all the feelings I've had were just fabricated hormonal side effects?  What if I'm putting my trust in the wrong things.  What if I'm actually failing at everything but nothing has caught up to me yet?


So, with this very pleasant thought process coming at me from all of the angles, I've chosen to spend my time deep diving into my work.  My work is normally my very favorite thing to do and one of my favorite places to be.  However, my work life balance has never been the greatest. I've been spending all of my down time just diving into anything and everything remotely field related: reading books, listening to podcasts, listening to audiobooks, various webinars, and now.... deciding to develop a research project and seek out grant funding in my "off" time.  I don't think I'm every really off.  On one hand it's a great distraction from my difficult thoughts and feelings, but probably not the healthiest coping skill.  

Random Poem Drop.  No title, just thoughts:


Everything I think about saying feels painfully like

The meaningless

Meanderings

Of small talk.  So much so that I’d rather

Light myself on fire than to

Endure

The mediocre experience of

“Hi, how are you…”

One more time.

I hate myself for

Participating

In it.

 

I remind myself constantly.

That

It’s a useless endeavor designed by the masses to

Control me

Keep me satisfied with the ebb and flow of

Conformity

Breathing feels like a FUCKING chore.

Everything feels.

False

Deceiving

And

Manipulative.


I'm not sure what the problem is that makes me disconnect and become so detached from the world.  This past couple of years, derealization and dissociation have been the biggest mental health symptoms that I've been dealing with.  I am proficient at coping and making it through each episode relatively unscathed.  People barely notice most of the time, even those the closest to me.  Most of the time, I'm relieved.  But other times, I really just wish someone would see thorough all of it and see me.  Most of the time, I never felt seen at my core.  There was a fleeting moment not too long ago that I thought maybe someone could see me.  But it turned out that was not real.  It never really is.    

What is reality anyway?  In common English it tends to be defined as the world or the state of things as they actually are vs. an idealistic or novel view of them.  In physics, reality is the totality of a system.  The knowns and the unknowns.  It brings into question some philosophical questions about the nature of reality or existence.  But who is to say that everyone lives in the same reality?  In the world I live in and the things that I have come to know through experience may be very different to someone else.  It is absolutely reasonable to me that I lock all my doors and windows at night, collect personal information on all of my children's friends, and either memorize or write down license plate numbers of vehicles that I feel are "Suspish".  My world has taught me that people will hurt you and information, like this, can protect you as well as taking general precautions.  Someone else's reality may be that people are good, honest, kind, and always willing to help and therefore they don't lock their doors, collect seemingly useless information or license plate numbers.  Neither of us are really wrong, out realities are just different.   

Falling asleep on these ideas.  ---AJR


Monday, September 18, 2023

Contemplations of a First Blog Post

 Wondering what to write for a first blog post always seems so overwhelming.  If you are writing for a specific audience then you need to think about who that audience is and what kind of things that they might want to know about, or read about, or even think about.  The audience has expectations of what they want your blog to be.  They have rules about what your blog can or cannot contain.  Because your blog is essentially a brand to be marketed to the masses and everyone wants to have an opinion about what you think, feel, say, do, believe, and literally everything in between.  In writing for an audience, there are things that you have to consider, and avenues that you have to mentally explore before you can put the words on the page.  "Will they like this?  Won't they?  I can't write about my trip to Kentucky on the same blog I write about books on.  I can't mentally spill my guts on this blog because this is not a mental health space.  Insert eye rolls here please.  

It is for these reasons, among several others, that I've decided not to write with an audience in mind.  I think that, to me, the value of having a blog is a place to put my thoughts, contemplations, and opinions out there.  Like an electronic journal but for me to actually process through thoughts, feelings, or emotions, whatever it feels like need to get out.  I want to write about my trips on the same blog I spill out my feelings; everything in one place feels like the best way to feel like a "whole" person.  I don't understand the need for classifying and categorizing humanity and the things that make us human.  We have to take the good with the bad and learn to love and embrace, not only ourselves but these things in others as well.  Being human is beautiful, and we should all appreciate so much more than we do without boundaries, groups, or genres.  

So, in essence, this blog is about absolutely nothing, but also absolutely everything, all at once.

Today, as I watched some of the animals in my care interacting in the 40,000-gallon aquarium that they live in, I watched the way that they interacted together.  Small groups of fishes living in closer proximity to other species than they normally would in the wild even though the native habitat is essentially the same.  They are forced into this nano-world with all of these other animals, and they did not choose it.  I thought to myself about the interactions that they had on a day-to-day basis.  It made me think about things that I do and people I encounter on a daily basis.  Then I thought about choice.  How many of the people in my life that I encounter on a day-to-day basis did I actually choose?  Not my coworkers or my employer (as individuals)- how every wonderful they are; it wasn't my choice that those specific individuals enter my life.  It is, naturally my choice to work there and stay there.  I certainly did not choose the people at the gas station, or the grocery store.  I didn't choose my immediate family (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.)  Maybe and argument could be made about my children...but are they really a choice?  Of course, it was my choice to have children and raise them in my household.  But as individuals?  Not really- I didn't get to say, "I want a son who has xyz characteristics" etc.  If eugenics was a thing maybe there would be more of an argument for that, but it was not available at the time that I chose to have my children.  So, you kind of get stuck with the hand you are dealt.  

The only people in your life that you actively get to choose are the friends that you keep in your inner circle and any potential partners that you want to have access to your life.  That's a big deal then, right?  To have actual choice be so limited to this particular aspect of your life.  And how much this is overlooked?  It wasn't until recently that I really put thought into what I would want to see from an adult partner and what a healthy adult relationship would look like to me.

I thought about my current partner and my thoughts were, "I want to be with someone who chooses me every day."  And then, I thought about how I would honestly get to know that I would be "chosen" every day.  Or how do I know that that person chooses me every day for that matter?  If it is so "obvious" when you have feelings of "love" than why isn't choice equally as obvious?  Maybe chose is just the illusion of free will.  I like to think, for me, it's in the little things that I do every day to show that I am thinking about someone, or I care for them.  For this particular person, we connect through music.  So, every day, regardless of how we are feeling and how each other's mind set is, I make an effort to do two things: 1) add a song to our shared Spotify Playlist and 2) Send an affirming emoji or affirmation of some kind.  I feel like that is me showing that I choose this person.  Maybe it isn't actually that, maybe it isn't real at all.  Maybe it's just an illusion of choice implemented on us by our own minds in an effort to make us feel like we have any control at all, because our bodies are actually ruled by parasites.  But I digress into science fiction.


At the moment my mind is a manic ball of thoughts and topics; contemplations and ways that we can be contained.  Or things that try to contain us rather.  I do not want to be contained.  I want to feel like I am limitless.  I want to feel like I can do anything, achieve anything, and be completely connected to the moment and to the world; free of all of societal norms and expectations.  And sometimes, I do feel like that.  Those days are my very favorite days.  But everyday can't feel like that, right?  Because it would take away all of the things that make those feelings so special, because there wouldn't be a contrast.


I think I'll end this post with a poem that I wrote recently.


Simple, Magic


Every day I find a little bit of magic.

It’s in the way the wind blows a breeze

Across my face.

Or in the first sip of coffee

From my favorite mug.

Sometimes, it’s in the whispers

Of children.

Other times I find it in your laugh

Or smile

Or the way you look at me.

And time stands still just for a moment,

In these moments.

It’s magic.


--AJR





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