Today my brain activated a very special mode called, "I don't give a fuck anymore." All the things that I was worried about before, all the things I was overthinking about, I'm done worrying about them or caring about them. I'm not sure if it is a simple dissociative thing but it is a mindset that seems to plague me now and then. Lately it seems to have been a lot more of an occurrence.
I think my biggest struggle is that it's not a period that I do typical depressive behaviors. Instead, I become manic and make my decisions a little more recklessly. I call this "Passively Suicidal", because I really do want to die. I have thoughts of death and dying and ending my life. But I'm not actively making a plan or taking any action towards that plan, however, I'm taking less actions than normally reasonable to prevent it from occurring.
Normally, my brain is plagued by paranoia and self-doubt and deprecation, however, in this stage this is almost completely absent. I feel almost a euphoria in having freed myself from the constraints of societal norms and expectations.
I know this is something that I talk a lot about. Feeling overwhelmingly trapped by the expectations of others. Society as a whole. I'm not sure that freedom is the absence of these things, but having lived my entire life with some type of responsibility or burden that makes it impossible for me to truly have freedoms that most people experience in adolescence or even early adulthood. Just once, I want to see what that world is like. What is it like not to have other external forces relying on you for something? I would like to have a period of time where I do not experience these things.
This is a short reflection today, I'm not feeling like I have much to write about, although I have so many ideas floating around in my head. Like is this normalcy. Is this something that I need to consider regularly and account for. I'm not sure.
Until next time.
--AJR
No comments:
Post a Comment