Shifting back and forth from one emotion to the next has been my reality lately. Finding thoughts that make me feel happy are few and fleeting. I want to go back to who I was before I started trying to open myself up to others and be vulnerable. My life was simple then and uncomplicated by other people's thoughts, emotions, and actions. I can't decide how I want to feel because the interpretation of all of the things is up for speculation. I've speculated on all of the things in between. I'm to the point where I am just trying to put it all in a box and save it for the appropriate time. But what exactly is the appropriate time? Will there every be one? Is it just up to me to decide where I want to go from here? I'm in a box and every wall is a different possibility. But none of them are open to me. No one is shining light in to share clarity. Maybe it was always supposed to be this way. Maybe this is the experience that I needed to have so I could move forward with what is really meant for me.
Hypothetically, there is a crow. This crow has a chance to turn into a human and experience the human world. And so, it does that and while it is having its human life, it falls in love with a human person. The crow then decides to stay a human so that it can remain forever with its little human partner. But this change is permeant. The crow then creates children with human partner and say that something is wrong with the child (deformity, sickness, etc.) and so the crow-human throws baby off a cliff. Is it:
A) fine because crows will be crows. It's a way, in nature, that they ensure their offspring will survive and not divert resources from healthy offspring.
Or
B) murder and immoral. The crow is now human by choice and should, therefore, be held to the same societal norms and rules outlined for humans?
I'm pretty set on B being the answer but, at the same time, having a different more neurodivergent mindset, could possibly be a case for "insanity" if evaluated and it turns out that there are some deep seeded differences between the way that the crow-human thinks about the world and functions. Could be a hazard to society and need to remain in a mental health care facility long term. Just a thought.
I started putting my goals back into focus. I got derailed earlier this year and I don't think that helped my mental health very much. One thing I decided that I need to put a priority on is walking every day, 4 miles (~10, 000 steps). Usually, when I work I get over half way there but putting the focus back on making sure that I'm hitting that goal will give me something to hyperfocus on. That's what I need right now, since my hyperfocus has been on my feelings and it's not really working out for me. Making plans and keeping busy has been another one. I've made plans to do something most of the days that I had free this month. I'm really looking forward to a lot of the plans I made. Reaching out for some volunteer opportunities is good for me as well. The end. --AJR
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